Jacob (Jake, for short)
May 19, 2003 to Sept 20, 2007
Picture from first Vet visit about July 2, 2003. (6 weeks old)
Jake at 8 weeks, 4 days old. (July 18, 2003)
Graduation from puppy kindergarden September 21, 2003 (Jake is 4 months, 3 days old)
Graduation from Advanced Training oh around January 2004.
Mom's Visit January 2004.
Graduation from Agility Training February 29, 2004. (Jake is 9 months, 10 days old.)
September 27, 2004. Jake was in the way when taking some pictures of my house :) Jake is 16 months old.
Update 9:45 September 22nd. I feel a bit relieved. My decision to euthanize Jake 2:00am September 20th, 2007 was the right one. Since then I'd convinced myself that Jake's condition was bacterial which can be cured in most cased by antibiotics. And that my decicion was a terrible mistake. The Neurologist center called me five minutes ago to inform me that Jake's infection was fungul. Which is very hard to treat and in many cases is terminal. Part of me does doubt their sincerity. Part of me thinks they told me this just to ease my anguish and regret. But they insist it was the truth.
At any rate, I must convince myself to believe them. That it is true and I did what was best for Jake. I should now be able to get over his passing very soon since I did all I could.
If you want to get depressed, read on. The following writings were made when I thought euthanization was a mistake. They no longer apply, thank God.
2:00am September 20, 2007
Today is quite possibly the saddest day of my life. At least two months ago I noticed Jacob having health problems. He seemed very uncomfortable walking around. And occasionally he'd drag his left front paw. After seeing three Veterinarians in Chicago, they didn't know what the problem was. On the drive from Chicago to Phoenix, Jake seemed really sick. I thought it was from the car ride. Finally home in Phoenix, Jake seemed better, but not for long. After two veterinarian visits, they finally recommended an neurologist. Now herein lies the ultimate tragedy. This morning the neurologist determined Jake's problem in about 20 minutes. After a quick xray, Dr Kim showed me that Jake had a bad infection in his spine. And if it's in his spine it is likely throughout his body. But as the doctor wasn't sure if the infection was bacterial or fungul, she did not want to start treatment yet. She wanted to wait a week for the lab results. She sent me home with Jake, who was now seeming to have mild paralysis on his right side. Hours later at home, and Jacob had almost total paralysis on his right side. I carried him everywhere, but I knew it hurt him to move. He kept looking at me, knowing that I didn't intend to hurt him but to let me know he was in pain. I was just praying jake would hold on. As I lay in bed next to him, he began to whince and whine and his body would tense up. It broke my heart to know he must be in pain. He went to the bathroom in the bed and I tried to reassure him it was ok. He seemed upset that he went like that. Twenty minutes later and he began whining some more, and peed the bed again. I was convinced Jake was suffering terribly. And that while the neurologist insisted we treat him, I believe now that we caught it too late. There was no hope for Jake, only suffering. I couldn't believe how emotional I was with Jake at the emergency vet clinic, when he was euthanized. Devastating to say the least. As I come home to an empty house full of his toys, I couldn't stop balling. And as I lay in bed, wide awake at 3:00am, I kept doubting my decision. And then I kept thinking the vets had directed me to the neurologist two months ago when his symptoms started, that we could have cured him. That is what causes me the most grief. Seeing clear signs of a problem that took months to kill him, and unnecessarily. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't stop balling. To see a lovable, fun, bright, friend. Just happy to be alive and see me and my friends and family. And to see his beautiful life cut short to only 4 years...and to know that it took two months, and if I'd have seen the neurologist just a GD week earlier, he'd probably have been cured.
9:19am September 20, 2007
Wow, I look like shit. Cried myself to sleep last night and was awaken by my landscaper at 6:30am. I've spent the last three hours rethinking everything, and of course balling like a baby. Honestly I don't know how most men stay strong in these situations. Perhaps if I wasn't all alone in this painfully empty house then I'd be better able to control sadness. At any rate, after three hours of thinking, I couldn't more regret the decision I made last night. Now I'm thinking that Jake's plumetting health yesterday was because I took him off the antibiotics two days ago. I did that in anticipation of his visit to the neurologist since I anticipated they'd need to sedate him and I didn't know if the current drugs he was on would inhibit that. Now, everything seems painfully clear. Jake on September 12 became very ill and dizy. That night and the next morning he was given care and antibiotics and steroids. Jake seemed to get much better the next few days. But after that he became lethargic. Not paralyzed, just real lazy. He could get up and move around but it seemed to take a lot of effort. I seem to recall yesterday at the neurologist that she said his lethargy might have something to do with taking steroids and antibiotics at the same time. In other fucking words, the antibiotics Jake was on were working! I shouldn't have taken him off of them. Moreover, last night at the emergency animal clinic, I should have asked them to give him fluids and antibiotics and have him stay the night. I should not have given the order to euthanize him. In all, I take 75% of the blame for Jake's death and incidental suffering. The other 25% I place on the numerous veterinarians I've seen over the last two months. About 5% blame a piece. Even the neurologist yesterday gets 5% blame for two reasons. (1) she was not available to address my concerns at Jake's most dire hour (when he was convulsing and whincing and peeing in bed and (2) because she did not sufficiently explain to me that the original antibiotics from 9/12 were likely working. Well, I could not be more grief stricken. I am no stranger to death; I've had uncles, grandfathers and even very young friends die. But I certainly have never experienced death where I was 75% responsible over an animal that was 100% dependent on me. Sorry Jake. I wish I'd have done things differently. Right now I can picture you laying on that gurnee in the emergency room, looking up at me. You really didn't look so sick at that moment. You were just laying there contently. FUCK. And that your heart stayed beating for so long indicates to me that you weren't ready to leave. Ok time for me to go finish my balling in bed. I'm certainly NOT contemplating suicide. But I will tell you I realize fully now how much my life truly sucks...and how very empty and unwelcoming this house feels without him. Remember when I said this is possibly the saddest day of my life? It is no question now. Nothing has made me nearly this sad. Not even close. Six hours ago I was sad because I think there was nothing we could do for Jake. Now I'm even more sad because I believe he was getting better and would have recovered.
